That was so much harder to type than I expected. Talking about your feelings in your living room with you closest friends is a lot easier than typing it out for strangers. I don’t even know most of the people who will read this (that’s such a weird thing!).
One day it will happen again, little things will start happening like skipping meals or skipping whole days without food. I’ll get agitated easily if my ‘routine’ is messed up, the laundry will pile up. The showers get longer and more frequent. And then I’ll lock myself in the bathroom crying so hard that not a sound will come out. I’ll stare at myself in the mirror and question every aspect of my life, trying to figure out what I’m going to do next and self-doubt will take over. My rational thinking is out the window at this point and the thoughts going through my head make no logical sense. Panic attacks to me are like drowning. You’re fully aware of what’s going on and what you need to do to help yourself, but you can’t. You can’t form words to explain what wrong…you can’t pull it together long enough to focus on something real instead of a feeling. The world is literally drowning you and you can’t stop it.
People who don’t fight this battle everyday might never understand. If you’re one of those people, it’s NOT your fault. Just simply ask questions and let somebody educate you. It is different for every person…remember to be kind and love hard every single day unapologetically.